Equal parts idiot and cretin, he is a fool with a passion for photography, music and film making, with a little poetry thrown in. He is 27 years old, and is happily married to Tricia. together they have a sweet daughter called Cordelia Rose, and as such he does not entertain offers of raw naked sex, especially not with men.

He is a master of more martial arts than actually exist, including a black belt in Shaolin Kung-Fu as practiced by Liu Chang in Mortal Kombat, which also involves flying dragon kicks and fireballs, and has recently won the World Award for Bravery for saving a busload of Taiwanese children from falling a thousand feet into a vat of acid set up by an evil scientist after a fantastic adventure.

He is also King of the republic of Cambathopia, which exists somewhere to the East of Hull. He hates pogs, who are the type of tracksuited Darrens that you find frequently smashing bus shelters in the middle of the night after shooting up.

He is, in addition, the result of a genetic experiment whereby alien DNA was fused to human DNA in order to create the perfect human. It succeeded, and he escaped, and is now desperately evading the evil clutches of the company that made him! Thus far Cordelia has not developed the trademark glowing red eyes or tentacle lined tongue, but there is time yet for her dark heritage to show.

Big Likes

Films : Blade Runner (Director's Cut), The Matrix, Aliens, Twelve Monkeys

TV : Brass Eye, Buffy and Angel, Spaced, Trigger Happy TV

Music : Nine Inch Nails, Blink 182, Alien Ant Farm, Genesis (with Peter Gabriel), Megadeth, Leftfield, Daft Punk (but not the new stuff)

Books : Anything by David Eddings, The Brentford Trilogy by Robert Rankin, almost anything by Dean Koontz, The Shining by Stephen King, Memory, Sorrow and Thorn by Tad Williams

Artists : Salvador Dali, Rene Magritte, M.C. Escher, H.R. Giger

Photographers : David Bailey (awesome portrait work), Barry Thornton (awesome mono landscapes), David Penprase (bare women in WWII gas masks - oh yeah.)

Animals : Cats, Thompson's Gazelles, bonobo chimps

Days : Wednesdays are best, Tuesdays aren't far off.

Elements : Molybdenum, Manganese, Beryllium

Textures : Smooth cheap velvet (preferably black) rubbed on the fingernails.

Numbers : 8, 11 and 18. They have great thinginess.